Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[cpu]

;3  


Oh, hang on, that's my job.  ;17

[MuscleVette]

This week’s politically incorrect joke ….

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammunition across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[MuscleVette]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!

 



A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?


 

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
 
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.

Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of

3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
 
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
 
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"
 
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
 
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking

up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,


"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one

for March......."
 

 ;v Garry;x;x;x;x

 
 

 

 
 
 

 
 

[MuscleVette]

A doctor in Dublin
Wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

  'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.


'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

'So,Murphy, how was your day?'

 Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

  'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the
Doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'   Asks the doctor.

    'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door
Flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

    'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.  

    'I put drops in her eyes!'

;x;x;x;v Garry ;x;x;x;x

 

 

 

[cpu]

[Kyngmaker]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.  Unbeknownst to them, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.  The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.  Let's go outside and toss the baseball.
"The boy says, "I can't.  I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things are worth.  I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."  They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Oh don't start this again"

[MuscleVette]

Little
Bruce

 

 

 

 

 

Mohammed entered his
classroom.

 

"What is your
name?" asked the
teacher.

 

"Mohammed".... answered the kid.

 

"We are
in   Australia and, there
is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be
Bruce," replied the teacher.

 

In the evening, Mohammed returned
home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his
mother.

 

"My
name is not Mohammed, I am in   Australia and now my name
is Bruce."

 

"Ah, are you ashamed of
your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your
religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

 

Then she called the father and he
too beat him savagely.

 

The next day Mohammed returned to
school. When the teacher

 

saw him with all the bruises she
asked:

 

"What happened to you
little Bruce?"

 

"Well, Miss, 2 hours
after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f#%ukin’ Arabs!..."

 

 
 

 

[MuscleVette]

An Irish Baptism

 

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks  the drunk,      
 

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
 The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi  am.'
 

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
 

'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
 The drunk  replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
 

The preacher shocked at the  answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again  pulls him out of the water and asks again,
 

'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
 The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus..'
 

By  this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,
 

'For the love of God - have you found Jesus?'
 


 

 

 

 

 
 
 

 

 


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the  preacher,

 

'Are you sure dis is where he fell in...?  
 
 

 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

[68PONY]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you
have?�
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2,
how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and
another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many
will you have?
Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where the�f@$k do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because Ive f@#kin�already got one�at home.

[MuscleVette]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

 

 

 

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

 

 

 

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

 

 

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 

 

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

 

 

 

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

 

 

 

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

 

 

 

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

 

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

 

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

 

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

 

 

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'