Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[MuscleVette]

$ 280,000 Mortgage

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2008

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is  $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.. There's no way we can afford it.'  
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked Joseph, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too and I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself ....................................... not with a  $280,000 mortgage and no bike"

[heven67]

I  will  never hear church bells ringing again without  smiling.   Upon  hearing that her elderly grandfather had just  passed away, Katie went straight to her  grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old  grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how  her grandfather  had  died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart  attack while we were making love on Sunday  morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother  that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex  would surely be asking for trouble  
"Oh  no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,  realizing our advanced age, we figured out the  best time to do it was when the church bells would  start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice  and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck  hadn't  come along.

[MuscleVette]

MY NEW UTE
I bought a new ute and returned to the dealer yesterday
because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Rolling Stones,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new ute but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, 'A  Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Australia, Mr. Kevin Rudd..."
Damn, I love this ute!

[stanglover]

She likes her plastic too much?

Close..........

Ken comes in his OWN box!::gotya: ....., why isn't anyone laughin?!

[MuscleVette]

A LETTER FROM THE PM.Dear People of Australia ,
 
 Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
 Economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
 Workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
 Will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
 
 Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
 For the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
 
 Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
 SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
 RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
 Deems appropriate.
 
 Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
 Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
 Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
 Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government..
 
 Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SH*T
 (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
 Has always prided itself in the amount of SH*it gives out. Should
 You feel that you do not receive enough SH*T, please bring this to the
 Attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
 SH*T you can handle.
 
 Sincerely,
 
 Kevin Rudd
  Canberra

[MuscleVette]

Subject: Sensitive Man
 
A woman met a man in a bar.  They talked; they connected; they ended up leaving together.  They got back to his place.  As he showed her around his apartment she noticed that one wall of his bedroom was completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There were three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!  It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them.

She was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.  There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.  She was quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking.  After a while, she found herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!  Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips.  He responded warmly.  They continued to kiss.  The passion built, and he romantically lifted her in his arms and carried her into his bedroom where they ripped off each other's clothes and made hot, steamy love.

She was so overwhelmed that she responded with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she had ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they were lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?”

The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looked deeply into her eyes, and said:

 

“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf…”

[bonnevista]

A snail is walking along and gets mugged by 2 tortoises.  

A short time later, the police arrive.

The police ask the snail about the incident.

The snail's reply, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."    

[MuscleVette]

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

      A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on  the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a  drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is  asking for a push.

      "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

      He slams the door and returns to bed.

      "Who was that?" asked his wife..

      "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

      "Did you help him?" she asks.

      "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning  and it is pouring rain out
there!"

      "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

      I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

      The man does as he is told,  gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding  rain.

      He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

      "Yes," comes back the answer.

      "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

      "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

      "Where are you?" asks the husband.

      "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.












____________________________________________________________

[bonnevista]

Q. Why did the blond put lipstick on her forehead??

A. She was trying to makeup her mind.

[Steve]

In via email
Before Carl Williams was killed he took out a patent on a new style of rowing machine
apparently exercise bikes do his head in !

yeah sick i know !