Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[MuscleVette]

Little Johnny - lol!!

 
Teacher tells the class to make a sentence using the word "dough".
 
Little Jane raises her hand "In Italy they make pizza using using special dough."  Very good says the teacher.
 
Little Mary raises he hand "My baby brother makes dinosaurs out of play dough." Excellent says the teacher.
 
Little Johnny raise his hand, "My mummy says dad is so useless that she has to use a dil dough."

[usa383]

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife
 
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards
 
What does Tiger Woods and a baby seal have in common?   They both get clubbed by Norwegians.
 
It’s been reported that Tiger Woods has crashed his car into a tree.  Police say he’s not seriously hurt, he’s just feeling a little under par.
 
Police have announced that the cause of Tiger’s car accident was a deflated tyre.  Apparently he got a hole in one.

What does Tiger Woods have in common with a putter?  They’re both sh*t when it comes to driving.

[sms777]

Here is the latest one from the US of A.
A friend of mine living in Portland, Oregon, where there are not many Obama supportes live, rang me a few days ago telling me the news that the local stores started selling Barrack Obama christmas ornaments. Apparently now it is legal in the US to hang a nigger off a tree.

 (Taking cover!)

[Steve]

Why do you never see white flies ????????








Because they are always at work !

sms777 started it !

[sms777]

A woman walks into a petshop. Three parrots for sale. One for $300, the other for $250, the third for 20 bucks. The woman asks: " How come this parrot only $20.
The attendant says: " It used to live in a brothel"
The woman intrigued so buys the $20 parrot and puts it in the foyer at home.
The younger daughter arrives later, the parrot says: " F*ck me, a new prossie!"
Mother and daughter laughs.
Older daughter comes home, parrot says: "F*ck me, another new prossie!" They have another laugh.
Husband arrives home, parrot says: "F*ck me Dave, I have not seen you for weeks!"

(Taking cover again)  

[usa383]

Here is the latest one from the US of A.
A friend of mine living in Portland, Oregon, where there are not many Obama supportes live, rang me a few days ago telling me the news that the local stores started selling Barrack Obama christmas ornaments. Apparently now it is legal in the US to hang a nigger off a tree.

 (Taking cover!)

[bonnevista]

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache… the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for.  He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he
left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
 but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked
down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life.  He saw a men's clothing store
and thought, “That's what I need... a new suit.'” He entered the shop and
told the salesman, “I'd like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and
said, “Let's see... size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That's right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit
perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How
about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The
salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.” Joe
was surprised, “That's right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60
years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let's see...
size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can't wear a size 34. A size
34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache!”

By the way, I didn't pick the name - I just cut and pasted it from another site, honest.

[stanglover]

Speaking of humour......

Does anyone know why Barbie can never have kids???

[Muzzy 66]

She likes her plastic too much?

[MuscleVette]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ' Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions  of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

 

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What's it tell you, Tonto?'

 

'You dumber than buffalo sh#t. It means someone stole the tent'.