Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[MuscleVette]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something, but the boy continues.

     "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're
going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to
the shopping center.
     Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the
store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves
it..
     Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it
comes.
     When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what
she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, b ut
he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
     When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his
knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen
and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and
poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
     "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
     He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this
is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

[MuscleVette]

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests
except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The officer said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Officer, I am ready.'

The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'



Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes, 'green, green,           green, green,          green, green
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow , this is Mujibar.''

Mujibar now works at Telstra. You've probably spoken to him.

[us2oz]

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[bonnevista]

A woman walks into the  Woodri dge centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids ...
 
'WOW,' the  centrelink worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
 
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.  She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.  I'll need all your children's names.'  

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
 
'OK, and who's next?'
 
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
 
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.  Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'  

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!'  An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.'  An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The  centrelink  worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'  

'I call them by their surnames!'

[cpu]

;x  hehehehehe!

[MuscleVette]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided
> he wanted to marry her right away.
>
>
>
>
> She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
>
> He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
> along.'
>
> So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon
> to a nice resort.
>
>
>
> One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
> towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck,
> followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he
> straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
>
> After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
>
> She said, 'That was incredible!'
>
> He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told
> you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
>
> So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After
> seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, laid down on her towel
> and was hardly out of breath.
>
> He said, 'That was incredible! …Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
>
>
>
> 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both
> sides of the Murray!!!
>

[cpu]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?  It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, fix the lights now? Does it look like I have Energy Australia written on my forehead?  I don't think so.

Fine, then the wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door?  It won't close right to which he replied fix the fridge door?  Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?  I don't think so

Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to! Break

I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps he says, does it look like I have Bunnings written on my forehead?  I don't think so.  I've had enough of you.  I'm going to the pub!!!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours...............

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.  As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working, as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?  She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried.  Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you! Bake?

She replied, hellooooo.. Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?  I don't think so!

[MuscleVette]

The Vicar's Salary

> At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move
> on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
>
> There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him
> to leave because he is so popular.
>
> Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland
> and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
>
> 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden
> every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
> children!'
>
> The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
>
> Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands
> and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here,
>
> I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation
> to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
>
> More sighs and loud applause.
>
> Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
>
> 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
>
> There is total silence.
>
> The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a
> wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
>
> Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide,
> holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from
> side to side, while his wife replies:
>
> 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he
> said, 'F**k him'.
>
>

[cpu]

A drug enforcement officer stopped at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and spoke with the old ranch owner.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land --- no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the officer running for his life not far ahead of the rancher's enraged bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs ... "Your badge! Show him your f*ckin' badge!"

[MuscleVette]

 
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.  
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people