Author Topic: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working (Read 149840 times)

bonnevista · « **Reply #60 on:** December 02, 2008, 10:57:35 AM »

Doctor's Office.........
>
> There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
> her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most
> of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
>
> An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
> desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
> for today?'
>
> 'There's something wrong with my <b>****</b>', he replied.
>
> The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
> crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
>
> 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
>
> The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
> room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
> your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor
> in private.'
>
> The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
> strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
>
> The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
>
> The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
>
> 'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.
>
> The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
> advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'
>
> 'I can't p#ss out of it,' he replied.
>
> The waiting room erupted in laughter.
>
> Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Hey, our website automatically censors the word '<b>****</b>!', how about that??

What if my name was dick, what would happen then?

bonnevista · « **Reply #61 on:** December 05, 2008, 11:44:24 AM »

Here's one for Garry -

One fine afternoon a flea oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Surfer’s Paradise sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride up here from
Sydney in some guy's moustache and he came up by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "Next time just go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when a stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, the following January while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"So the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"

MuscleVette · « **Reply #62 on:** December 08, 2008, 07:08:08 PM »

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

MuscleVette · « **Reply #63 on:** December 27, 2008, 10:23:09 PM »

Four blokes were playing their weekly game of golf...........

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course,
meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority,

figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course.

The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a
diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'

Number 2 guy says, 'It cost me an arm and a leg, too. My wife is at home
planning a cruise. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'

Number 3 guy says, 'Well. my wife is at home admiring her new car.
Reading the manual.'

They all turned to the fourth guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds. 'I can't believe you all went to such
expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the arse and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's
a great morning for either sex or golf.' She said, 'Take a sweater. It'll
be cold.'

MuscleVette · « **Reply #64 on:** December 29, 2008, 02:33:57 PM »

BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turns 34.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?

MuscleVette · « **Reply #65 on:** January 04, 2009, 03:43:06 PM »

The only cow in a small town in Latrobe Valley in Victoria, stopped giving
milk.
The people did some research & found they could buy a cow up in Woy
Woy in N.S.W, , for $200.
They bought the cow from Woy Woy in N.S.W & the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, & the
people were pleased & very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow & produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull & put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull & he
could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset & decided to ask the local Veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away"
they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side & she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute & asks, "Did you buy
this cow in Woy Woy in N.S.W?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Woy Woy?"

The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is
from Woy Woy."

MuscleVette · « **Reply #66 on:** January 18, 2009, 07:04:14 PM »

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since, by Jewish law, a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

MuscleVette · « **Reply #67 on:** January 20, 2009, 10:17:48 PM »

JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two women were sitting together, quietly.

MuscleVette · « **Reply #68 on:** February 17, 2009, 05:07:18 PM »

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR....

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and
Stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to
The mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
'My stupid computer keeps saying ..
'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

MuscleVette · « **Reply #69 on:** March 05, 2009, 06:10:08 PM »

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot by that robber, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right there.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... Get the f..k away from me