Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[twodogs]

STOPPED AT MACCAS FOR A BITE NOT FOR FROM THE FUNNY FARM,
TO MY HORROR SOME LITTLE S#IT STOLE ONE WHEEL,
BUGGA POO BUM WEE , FU%K ME I YELL,
ONE WELL SPOKEN INMATE OFFERS SOME HELP ,
SINCE I WAS ALSO MISSING THE WHEEL NUTS,
INMATE # 5712 SAYS GET YOUR SPARE ,
AND TAKE ONE WHEEL NUT FROM THE OTHERS,
BUGGA ME , THIS NUT CASE AINT TO BAD....
HOW COME YOU LIVE HERE I ASK????
HE ANSWERS PEOPLE DONT LIKE MY TRAINING METHODS
WITH ROACHES ..   LET ME SHOW YOU ;11
OUT OF HIS POCKET COMES A MATCH BOX ,
WITH A ROACH INSIDE, OUT HE JUMPS SALUTES TO
HIS MASTER.
QUICK MARCH HE YELLS, AND STUFF ME OFF GOES THE
ROACH,     HALT AND ABOUT FACE HE YELLS , THE ROACH DOES AS ORDERED ....   DROP AND GIVE ME 20.....
AND SO ON IT GOES  .......
ITS A MIRACLE , ITS A GOLD MINE  , I CAN BE RICH,
HHHEEEE  HHHHAAA.
ONLY ONE PROBLEM SAYS INMATE # 5712 , WHEN I PULL HIS LITTLE LEGS OFF AND TELL HIM TO JUMP THIS HIGH , HE JUST LIES THERE ,  I THINK HE MUST BE DEAF NOW....:P
                                     PHIL

[MuscleVette]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, 'Why are you
standing in line here, dear ?'

 

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

'Why, that's aw fully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

 

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

 

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

 

The policeman fainted.
;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[twodogs]

;w   things not to say in front of your future
mother inlaw , your daughter has a sweet ass !!!!

things not to say to your wife ,
your mother has a great ass.....
:P   heeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeeee

[MuscleVette]

A priest checks in to a hotel in New York.
At the reception desk he says to the clerk:
"When I get to my room I hope the porn channel will be disabled."
The clerk replies: "It's a normal porn channel, you sick bastard"
;x;x;xGarry;x;x;x

 

[bonnevista]

I heard there was nothing wrong with the ice cream at the Coogee Bay Hotel,
it was just........................................................................out of DATE!!

Get it - date ;L

[MuscleVette]

The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but
she is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
She doesn't mention this to him though.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:

 
 
 
 
 
 
'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'
;x;x;x Garry;x;x


.

[MuscleVette]

 A 10 year old boy is walking down the street, dragging a
> dead and very
> squashed frog on a piece of string behind him.
>
> He goes up to a brothel and knocks on the door. When the
> Madam answers, she
> sees the little boy standing there and asks what he wants.
> 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I
> have the money to pay
> for it and I'm not leaving until I do.'
>
> The Madam decides to let him in and then tells him to pick
> any of the girls
> he likes.
> He asks, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?
> I've heard lots of men
> talking about having to go to the clinic after doing it
> with Amber. So give
> me Amber, I'll bang her.'
>
> Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to
> pay for it, the
> Madam tells him to go to the second room on the right and
> Amber would be
> waiting for him there. So he trots off down the hall
> dragging the squashed
> frog behind him.
>
> Ten minutes later he's back, still dragging the frog,
> pays the Madam, and
> heads out the door.
>
> The Madam stops him and asks, 'Excuse me son, but why
> did you pick the only
> girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the
> others?'
>
> He says, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
> home, my parents are
> going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home
> with my babysitter.
> After they leave, the babysitter will have sex with me
> because she is fond
> of little boys. She will then catch the disease that
> I've just caught off
> Amber. Then when Mum and Dad get back, Dad will drive the
> babysitter home.
> On the way, he'll bang her, and he'll catch the
> disease. Then when Dad gets
> home, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will
> catch it. Then in
> the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver
> the milk, he'll
> bang my Mum and then he'll catch the
> disease..............and HE'S the c*nt
> who ran over my frog.'
>

[MuscleVette]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise



I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you should.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

[MuscleVette]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
 

   

   The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one  morning and she asked the question, 'When  you die and go to Heaven ..  which part of your body goes  first?'
 
Suzy  raised her hand and said, 'I think  it's your  hands.'   'Why do  you think it's your hands,  Suzy?'
 
 Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you  hold your  hands  together in front of you and God just takes your hands  first . ' !  
 
'What a  wonderful answer!' the nun  said.
 
 Little Johnny raised his hand and said,  'Sister,  I think it's your legs.'  
 
The nun looked at him with the strangest look  on her face.   'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be  your legs?'
 
 Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into  Mommy and  Daddy's bedroom the other night.  Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
 
The nun fainted
 
 
 

[MuscleVette]

I love this
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.   We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight


>



. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.






DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!