Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[MrsLazy69]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine:   This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes:    If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing:    This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.  

(4)Go Ahead:   This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!    

(5) Loud Sigh:   This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.   (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay:   This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.  

(7) Thanks:   A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.  DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:  Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology..


WELL I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS FUNNY!!!!!

[cpu]

Originally posted by MrsLazy69
9 WORDS WOMEN USE.........

That explains this…………


Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable.  Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

 

[Bumblebee]

To the citizens of the United States of America
From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
 


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should  look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)  
 
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
   
1.     The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix “-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (Look up 'vocabulary').
 
2.     Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of “-ize.'
 
3.     July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
 
4.     You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.   Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
 
5.     Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
 
6.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
 
7.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
 
 8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
 
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
 
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.   Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
 
11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of ninnies).
 
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America .  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
 
13. You must tell us who killed JFK.   It's been driving us mad.
 
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
 
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality  biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
 


God Save the Queen!
 


PS:    Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
 
 

[MuscleVette]

  A platoon of Australian soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when
they
came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a
similar but
less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first
aid was
given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian
what had
happened.The soldier reported, 'I was heavily   armed and moving north
along
the highway here, and coming south was a heavily  armed insurgent.' We
saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along  the road. I
yelled to
him
that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum  bag who got what he
deserved. He yelled back that  Kevin Rudd is a  bureaucratic, Good-for-
nothing, left wing  labour <b>****</b>head who knows bugger all about running
the
country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin  dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!' He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so
does
Julia Gillard !'
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands,

[MuscleVette]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'  

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
 

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'
 

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a <b>[Censored]</b>.
 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p#ss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.


First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
 ;x

;x;xGarry;x;x;x

[twodogs]

;11  IF YOUR TOILET DOES NOT FLUSH ,
       USE YOUR CAT AS A TOILET BRUSH,
        S - BEND CAT.
                                                   ;x    PHIL ;x
               SORRY IAM A DOG PERSON
;11

[MuscleVette]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous
> > >>>>>> and does not use a condom all the time. A week after
> > >>>>>> arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
> > >>>>>> find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
> > >>>>>> The doctor,never having seen anything like this before,
> > >>>>>> orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days
> > >>>>>> for the results.
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The man returns a couple of days later and the
> > >>>>>> doctor says:'I've got bad news for you ---you've
> > >>>>>> contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
> > >>>>>> unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The man looks a little perplexed and says:
> > >>>>>> 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
> > >>>>>> Doc.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's
> > >>>>>> no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your
> > >>>>>> penis.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I
> > >>>>>> want a second opinion.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your
> > >>>>>> choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only
> > >>>>>> choice.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
> > >>>>>> figuring thathe'll know more about the disease. The
> > >>>>>> Chinese doc tor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah,
> > >>>>>> yes,....... Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I
> > >>>>>> already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor
> > >>>>>> wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
> > >>>>>> 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make
> > >>>>>> more money that way. No need to opelate!'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> 'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no
> > >>>>>> worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
>
> _________________________________________________________________
>
See Ya Garry;11

[MuscleVette]

A SENIOR MOMENT:  I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS   A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank.  The bank managerthought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.     Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavouredto pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must haveelapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of thefunds needed to honour it.  I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly depositof my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirtyeight years.  You are to be commended for seizing that brief window ofopportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for theinconvenience caused to your bank.  My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has causedme to rethink my errant financial ways.  I noticed that whereas I personallyattend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I amconfronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity whichyour bank has become.  From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with aflesh-and-blood person..  My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer beautomatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally andconfidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.  Be awarethat it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such anenvelope.  Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I requireyour chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but inorder that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there isno alternative.  Please note that all copies of his or her medical history mustbe countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financialsituation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied bydocumented proof.  In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/shemust quote in dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required ofme to access my account balance on your phone bank service.  As they say,imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, pressbuttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer isrequired.  A password will be communicated to you at a later date to theAuthorized Contact.) 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8. 9.  To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be puton hold, pending the attention of my automated   answering service.  While thismay, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for theduration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy anestablishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.  May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.  Your Humble Client             (Remember:  This was written by a 98 year old woman)
 I would love to do this.
   See Ya Garry ;11

[MuscleVette]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
 turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
 censored ain' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

;x;x;xGarry;x;x

[jpony]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course
they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why
the hell
would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike,
you d*ckhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone
would shag you twice!'