Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[MuscleVette]

A married couple walked in to a sandal shop.  The Jamaican said to them,

 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.  Dey
Make you wild at sex.'

   Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
 The man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need
 Them, being the sex god he was.  The husband asked the man,
 
  'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
 
  The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
 
  So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

 
 As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
Something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

  In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
Violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
Pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
 
 The Jamaican then began screaming 'You got dem on the wrong
feet!!!'

;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x

[MuscleVette]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder,
 not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day.'


{IF YOU LAUGH ....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!}  
;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x

[cpu]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st  woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd  woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st  woman: I froze to death.
2nd  woman: How horrible!

1st  woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd  woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV..

1st  woman: So, what happened?

2nd  woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st  woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.  

PRICELESS!  

[twodogs]

;K  OLD CHINESE PROVERB SAYS.......
     MAN WHO GO TO BED WITH ITCHY BUM,
       WAKE UP WITH SMELLY FINGER.......
             ASSSS SORE ..........
                                               GRASS HOPPER { PHIL };K

[twodogs]

:6  WHAT IS THE LAST SOUND MADE BEFORE A
          PUBIC HAIR HITS THE GROUND ??????
                 PPPOOOTTTTOOOOEEEE............:6
                           HA HA HE HE

[MuscleVette]

 An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra 'Can I have 6 tablets,
> >> cut in quarters?'
> >> ' I can cut them for you ' said the chemist ' but a quarter tablet
> >> will not give you a full erection. '
> >> ' I am 96 ' said the old man . ' I don't want an erection . I just
> >> want it sticking out far enough so I don't p#ss on me slippers. '
> >

[MuscleVette]

Ponderisms
Can you cry under water?
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 How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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 Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

See Ya Garry;x;x;x

[MuscleVette]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland.
> One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
> The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
>
> 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
> 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
>
> When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
> moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs.Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
>
> The landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
>
> The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
>
> The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
> ;x;x;xGarry;x;x;x

[jpony]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Geoffrey , I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

Nah, you all right, I don't want it,' said Geoffrey .

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.' 'How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Geoffrey .

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again Geoffrey said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Geoffrey , then what do you want?'

Geoffrey said, 'I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the Pool.

[MuscleVette]

This morning on the Freeway,I looked over to my left and there was a
> Woman In a brand new Holden CalaisDoing 110 kms per hrWith her Face up
> next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away
> For a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was Halfway over in
> my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare
> easily.But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, Which
> knocked The meat pieOut of my other hand. In all The confusion of
> trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering
> wheel, It knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the
> coffee Between my legs, Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the
> Twins,Ruined the darn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an
> Important call. bloody women drivers!!

;12