Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[MuscleVette]

I have a dog and I was buying a large bag of PAL Meaty Bites in Woolworths
as I was waiting in the checkout queue, the woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.
On impulse, I told her  that no, I was starting The 'PAL Meaty Bites diet'
again, although I probably  shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time,
but that I'd lost over 20 kilograms before I awake in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most  of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was  essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with PAL Meaty Bites and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it  again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story,  particularly a guy who was behind  her.
Horrified,  she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been  poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls
and a car hit  me.
I thought one guy was  going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the  door.
Stupid  cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x

[MuscleVette]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
> office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I
> sew da elastic onto ladies'
> knickers and thongs.'
>
> The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
> classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment
> pay.
>
> Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
>
> Since a Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars
> a week.
>
> When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
> find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
>
> The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
> Fitters are skilled labour.'
>
> 'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,
> then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
;x;xGarry;x;x

[MuscleVette]

A woman and her husband are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.' So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits..
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says 'Head Job Revenge.'
;x;x;xGarry;x;x;x
   

[MuscleVette]

For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

 

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ' Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

 

The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

 

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.'

'SEND EXTRA SAUCE'.



 

 

 

 

[MuscleVette]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00..

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird
used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation,considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,


'Hi Keith

 


 
 

[joe74ta]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of  his physical exam.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'  

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with

 her teeth out, still nothing.

 

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she

 even tried squeezin'  it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked!

 

 'You asked your neighbour?'

 

 The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

That's the cleanest joke I have

[MuscleVette]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


 


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.  When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.  After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ...

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Garry

 
 
 
 




 

[MuscleVette]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
>  They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live
far and
>  would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware
> store and bought a
>  bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store
> and picked up a
>  couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the
> store he now had
>  a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
>  While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
>  who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get
>  to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
>
>  The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close
>  to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this
lot."
>  The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the
>  bucket.
>  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
>  carry the goose in your other hand?"
>  "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the
old
>  girl home.
>  On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley.
>  We'll be there in no time."
>  The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely
>  widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we
>  get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt,
>  and have your way with me?"
>  The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a
gallon of
>  paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
>  hold you up against the wall and do that?"
>  The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket,
>  put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens
  ;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x
>
>_________________________________________________________________
>

[MuscleVette]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
 ;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x




 

 

 
 

 

 
 

 

 
 

[jpony]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
'Tony, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.  She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank  the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute  landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them  with  the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'