Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[MuscleVette]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says,

'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband,  rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!

[MuscleVette]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy  missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &  lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not  servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!


Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like  mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

 

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'


Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'


An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &  stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'
 

 

 

 

 

 

[GT SALLY]

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[GT SALLY]

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[cpu]

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English' .

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible..

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a real sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas..

[cpu]

I am so going to get some back lash from the ladies on this one............  but it was too good to pass up.;16



In  the beginning God created day and night. He  created day for footy matches, going to the  beach  
 And  BBQ's

He  created night for going prawning, sleeping.
And  BBQ's,   and God saw that it was good.  

On  theSecond Day, God created water - for  
surfing,   swimming  and  BBQ's on the beach ,and  God saw that it was good.


On  the Third Day God created the Earth to bring  forth plants    to provide malt and  yeast for beer   and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was  good.  

On  the Fourth Day God created animals  
and crustaceans  for  chops,  sausages,   steak and prawns for BBQ's,  
And God saw  that it was good.
 
On  the Fifth day God created a Bloke   - to go to the footy, enjoy the  beach,  drink  the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's,  and God saw that it  was good.

On  the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely  and needed  someone  to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and  stand around the Barbie  with
.. So God created Mates,   and God saw that they were good Blokes,and God saw that it was  good.  

On  the Seventh Day God looked around at the  twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of  opening beer    cans  and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He  smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling  prawns and God Saw that it was good ...  ...
Well  ...  Almost good.

He  saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up  and needed a rest.
So  God created Sheilas  -   to  clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To  cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw  that it was not just good. It was better than  that, it was..........

 
 Bloody  Awesome!  



IT  WAS AUSTRALIA  !!!!!


 

[MuscleVette]

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED !!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.  When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.  He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story!  When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.  He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.  I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.  I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.  I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.  I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
;x;x;x;x;x;x;x;x
 ;v Garry;x;M:cool:

[peterp]

Granny is 88 years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never had noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed. 'For the love of God!' Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing.
Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

;x ;u ;12

[MuscleVette]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'



The pharmacist fainted.

[MuscleVette]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she askes the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave ddddiillldosss?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old lady then asks: 'Ddddoooo yyyouuuu cccarrry aaa pppinnkk oonnee, ttteeennn iincches lllong aaanndd aabbbooouutt ttwwoo iincchess tthiicck...aaand rruuns bbby bbbaatteerrieeess? '

The clerk responds: 'Yes we do.'

She asks: 'Ddddooo yyyoouuu kknnooww hhhooww tttooo ttuuurrnn tthhe sssunnoffaaabbiittch offff?