Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[MuscleVette]

A 'mature,' white haired man walked into a jewellers one Friday evening
with a beautiful young woman at his side..

He told the jeweller that he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000
ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweller
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by
cheque.' I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon,' he said..

Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

Not all Seniors are senile!

;x;x;x;x;x;x

[cpu]

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final.  As he sits down & another man comes along & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final, the biggest sporting event of the year & not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.  My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... Gees ..I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.  I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"  

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
 

[Bumblebee]

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared
before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip
to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across
a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!!  Or I'll kick the crap out of the lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[GT SALLY]

 How  to tell the sex of a fly  

 

 A  woman walked into the kitchen to find her  
 Husband stalking around with a fly swatter  
 
 'What are you doing?'
 She  asked.
 
 'Hunting Flies'
 He  responded.
 
 'Oh. ! Killing any?'  
 She asked.
 
 'Yep, 3 males,  2 Females,' he replied.

 
 

 Intrigued,  she asked.
'How  can you tell them apart?'

 He  responded,
'3  were on a beer can,  
2  were on the phone.

[cpu]

;17

[cpu]

Got this via email.  Thought it was worth posting:



A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.  
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
'HUSBAND WANTED:- MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),  MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME  & MUST  STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!    ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.'

On the second day, she heard the doorbell... Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! '
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I  can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

[MuscleVette]

How Marriage Works...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,


'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'


'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'


........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?

 ;x;x;x;x;x;x;x;x;x;x;x

 

[cpu]

[align=center]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M & M's.
 
What a fabulous adventure!
 
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


[/align]

[peterp]

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she
grows up.  She said she wanted to be the Prime Minister some day.

Both of her parents, old time ALP supporters, were standing there, so I
asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you
would do?"

She replied, "I'd be a good socialist and give food and houses to all the
homeless people." Her parents smiled hugely.

"Wow...what a worthy ideal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until
you're Prime Minister to do that.  You can come over to my house for a
morning and mow the lawn, weed the garden, and wash my car, and I'll pay you
$100. Then I'll take you over to Darlinghurst where the homeless guy hangs
out begging, and you can give him the $100 to use toward food and a new
house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the
eye and asked: "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and
you can just pay him the $100?"

I said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party"

Her parents are still not speaking to me.

[MuscleVette]

A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.



He said, "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good, strong bed."
   
The clerk winked, "You want the 'Bridal'?"

 

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

 

"Nope, I reckon not.

I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."    
 




;x ;x;x;x;x;x;x