Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[MuscleVette]

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

As he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear.

Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.

Well' he announces, 'My wife's just produced a typical  Queensland  baby boy weighing 25 pounds'.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs.

'That's about average in  Queensland  . Like I said, my boy is a typical  Queensland  boy.'

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of 'STREWTH' were heard.

One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says 'You're the father of that typical  Queensland  baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you?

Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you.

So - how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers: '17 pounds'.

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. 'What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

The  Queensland  father takes a L-O-N-G  S-l-O-W  swig from his XXXX Gold, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says,

'Had him circumcised!'

;x;x;x;x See Ya Garry ;x;x;x;x
 
 

 

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[MuscleVette]

 A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he''s sending

  a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I

  recognize him?"

    "That''s easy; he''s a midget with a speech impediment."

   So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he''s looking

  for a male or female horse. "A female horth."

   So he shows him a prized filly.

     "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

   So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse''s eyes the

  once

  over.

    "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

     So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the

  horse''s ears.

    "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?  The rancher is gettin''

  pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and

  shows him the horse''s mouth.

     "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

   Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under

  his arms and rams the midget''s head as far as he can up the

  horse''s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

     The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

    "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a

  widdlebit"?

;x;x;x;x See Ya Garry ;x;x;x;x

 

[MuscleVette]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby
>>to
>
>>put his name on his mailbox. > > > >
>>While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next  to
>>  the mailboxes, wearing a robe. > > > >
>>  The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
>>him. > > > >
>>As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she  had
>>nothing else on.
>>  The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain  eye  contact. > > >
>>  >
>>  After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, > > > > "
>>Let's go  to my apartment, I hear someone coming." > > > >
>>He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
>>against
>
>>it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. > > > >
>>
>>  Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best  feature?" >
>> > > >
>>Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
>>ears." > > > >
>>  Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
>> breasts;
>
>>they are full and 100% natural
>>. I work out every day and my  butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -
>>no
>
>>blemishes anywhere. > > > >
>>  How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" > > > >
>>Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
>>"Outside, when you said you > > > > heard someone coming.... that was me."
>> > >
>>
>>

[MuscleVette]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
> and forth.
>
> A cop on the beat sees him and approaches .. "Can I help you sir?"
>
> "Yessh ! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," ... the man replies.
>
> The cop asks ... "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
>
> "It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.
>
> About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out
> of his fly for all the world to see.
>
> He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
>
> Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
> missing a beat, blurts out ...
>
> "I'll be damned .. ... My girlfriend's gone, too ! !
;x;x;x.Garry;x;x;x

[MuscleVette]

NEW DRINK (AO) one for the girls
 
 

 

A woman and her husband are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.' So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits..
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says 'Head Job Revenge.'

;x;x;x Garry;x;x;y
   
 
 
 
 

[MuscleVette]

Another one for the ladies ;x

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.  The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.   Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.   When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.  He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!  When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.  He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning.  I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.   I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.  I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.  I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?

;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x
 


   
   

[MuscleVette]

Irish Coffee

 

  An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in

reviving her husband's libido.

 

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

 

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when

you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it

a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

 

  It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as

to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

 

  T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

 

 

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

 

 

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was

almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with

his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and

tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there

passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute

nightmare!'

 

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband

provided wasn't good?'

 

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm

sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in that coffee shop again!'

;x;x;x Garry ;);x;x
 

[heven67]

The Wisdom of An Older Man



An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,

 

'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

 


'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

[heven67]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.  As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[MuscleVette]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOGS DIARY.
8:00 am - Dog food!             My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride!                My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park!   My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted!       My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch!            My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard!        My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail!            My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones!                My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball!          My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed!        My favourite thing

EXCERPTS FROM A CATS DAILY DIARY.

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

;x;x;xGarry;x;x;x